National Champions movie review (2021)
Why is Coach Lazor having a bad day, you ask? Well, in director Ric Roman Waugh’s “National Champions,” LeMarcus James has decided to go on strike against the NCAA and not play. And he’s convincing enough to get several players from both teams to follow his lead 72 hours before the championship game. Additionally, Lazor’s penis doesn’t work without Pfizer’s intervention and his wife’s leaving him for Elliott (Timothy Olyphant), a professor at the very same institution where he’s been coaching. Now, I’m sure you want to hear all about Seth Bullock from “Deadwood” makin’ sweet, sweet love to Glinda from “Wicked,” so—oh wait, you want to learn more about that NCAA strike? OK, it’s your nickel, buddy.
To be honest, I too wanted to know more about James’ plans for going up against the gigantic business behemoth that controversially makes billions off its student-athletes. There’s plenty to talk about and argue over, which makes the plot of this film potentially intriguing. However, outside of throwing a bunch of monetary figures at the viewer, writer Adam Mervis’ screenplay offers very little substance for James’ plan or his rationale. Instead, “National Champions” devotes most of its time to a contest to see which of its multi-talented cast members can utter the worst dialogue or reveal the most absurd nighttime soap opera plot twists. This is like an episode of “Dynasty” produced by ESPN. If you thought my line about Coach Lazor’s erectile dysfunction was extraneous and unwarranted, you should hear the speech where he reveals that very detail.
Let me set that stage for you. We’re four or five plot twists in. PR maven/blackmail expert extraordinaire Katherine Poe (Uzo Aduba) has convinced Lazor he needs to speak to his team to counter some of the success James has had recruiting members for his cause. The coach’s job is to sweet talk these impressionable minds into not thinking about the possibility of getting perks like medical insurance and money for playing. This rich-as-hell man steps into the room and, after talking about his junk being hors de combat and his wife leaving him, tells these broke-ass kids that “money isn’t shit. There is no glory in money. No life-altering challenge in money.” Then he exclaims “but there’s glory on the field!”
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